Congratulations Class of 2005! Andrew Shirk, Robert May, Jacob Allen, and the very special Ms. Jessica Meadows (pictured above) were all commissioned as 2LT in the U.S. Army Friday, May 6th. Wearing two hats in the collegiate experience, one as full time students and the other as CDTs in the ROTC program at CNU, they will now depart to their respective destinations for training, and then onto their first orders (ranging from Korea, Colorado and Hawaii). They not only graduated yesterday from CNU, they also got a standing O from the audience, and a F-15 fly-over. I am so proud of, and thankful for my Army officers! Thank you for all you do, and for protecting this great country of ours. You deserve much more than a standing O at graduation; know that my daily support and prayers are always with you. And Jess, I thank my blessings everyday that I have a friend like you. I'll certainly come visit you in Texas and Hawaii and where ever else the Army decides they need you most. Congratulations! 

uhm, no.

Sometimes I ask myself, "Is it really worth it?" And most times, if I give myself enough space to really think it through...the answer is "no." No, it's not worth the effort, nor the time. So then I ask myself, "Should I care?" And usually, when I think about the situation and discover it's not worth my time nor effort, then I come to the conclusion that no, I really shouldn't care.

With that...have a wonderful day.

Awesome picture...congrats to all the MS IV's, and their Commissioning on May 6th! Whether you support the war or not, always support our troops. 

It feels like I always end up taking on my difficult battles alone. I'm not one to ask for help, or for someone to be there...I've got that "typical" loner mentality. However, aren't friends simply supposed to be there?

It feels like you're always here for the good times, yet when the tough times present themselves, you're not in sight. You say it's frustrating. Put yourself in my shoes. Picture yourself at the computer writing a paper for this person who is alseep in the bed. Picture yourself up till 2:30 in the morning driving to and from Kinko's for that person's project that's due that day and honestly not minding lending a helping hand. Picture yourself putting your priorities aside so that person turns in their things on time or finishes an exam that's due the next day, or putting your own papers aside b/c that person wants to "relax tonight, and lay down." Picture yourself doing anything and everything for that person that you can think of. Now, having had the worst day possible, and upon telling that person "i just wanna cry, i've been in a car accident. i'm going to the doc. i dont feel well..etc." that person telling you "I have so much to do, but I'll be take care of you if you want me to." Do you honestly think you'd say "YES! Hurry on down to take care of me" after you've already told me how much stuff you have. I mean...if it were me, and that person would have told me that she was in a car accident, and she went to the hospital, do you honestly think i would have even asked if she wanted me there? Didn't think so. In the time it would have taken her to text me back, my ass would have been in the hospital bed right next to her.

Guess I have different views...maybe my emotions are on high right now b/c of the meds they put me on...but damnit...I don't care.

It's that calm feeling you get when you are completely satisfied with everything that has gone on in your day and you finally rest your feet in your favorite comfy chair with a huge "plop!" I know things happen for a reason. I am noticing this to be true in the varying faucets of my life. So far, I haven't been tossed anything that I couldn't handle without a little relief to comfort my pain. Plus, I'm finally getting out of my stubborn "independent" mode, and realizing that someone to hold your hand through the difficult times isn't the end of the world...but moreso a blessing.

She's staying home for a couple more months. This is amazing. We need that time...every second, and every hour...to rebuild what has been brought down, and build upon what we already have.

Distance is a strong word filled with too much emotion when I step back and think about the future. This time spent home in the summer will most certainly serve as a basis for the strong foundation we're going to need to overcome the hardships which coincide with that kind of separation.

It's funny...I've been there, done that...concerning the distance thing. Thank goodness for experience, b/c I now have a keener sense in what works, and what pulls a couple a part. So, if you're ever reading this...thanks for my experience, Chris. To be honest, I want this to work. I want to at least give it the effort that it deserves. And above all, I wouldn't put myself through the hardships of the past week simply to throw it all away. So, I'm going into this full force, and seeing what comes out of it. Don't get me wrong. I'm not blindly throwing myself into a situation which I have no control over. Yes, the future is out of my hands...but I know we have the control in our relationship and the building respect and honesty that anyone needs to make it during the hardships...

I know...it's a little different tone from the last blog. I've got emotions running 100 mph around my head, and floating above my pillow at night. Sometimes, they're completely polar opposites, but thankfully, far too often...they're about faith. Everyone could use a little bit of faith in their life, no matter what denomination, belief, or culture...everyone could always use that belief in themselves, the people around them, and the comfort knowing our lives aren't always under our own control...

I want things to be normal again...I want things the way they were before last week. But when I look back, I've grown so much just these past few days, that I don't think I would re-do my actions. Would I like other people's actions to be re-done...yes...but wishful thinking is exactly what is it: wishful. I think I'm coming out of this a stronger person...but most importantly, I think I'm coming out of this with broader understand of what life is all about.

Who do I trust? Me.

So, it's been a rough weekend to say the least. I didn't think my patience would ever last this long, or be this understanding. For some reason, however, I just want to give her another chance. Just want to let her know that everyone makes those mistakes that you wake up the next morning thinking to yourself, "What the hell have I done?" I've been there. I've done that...plenty of times actually. But this time, it's affecting m-e. It's different when you hear stories about other people; it's different when you can tell yourself, "Well, at least that's not me" or "That'll never happen to me." I'm now officially one of those stories. I'm now one of those people that eat their every word they previously said to themselves and to their friends: it happened to me. I'm now a statistic. I'm officially eating my words.

But what stings the most is the trust issue. The long talks about "I'd never do anything to mess this up" don't mean as much to me. The foundation of trust that builds in people has now officially been broken down to that minor ounce of trust one has when they first meet someone. It's difficult; trust is big for me. I've always said that. I've been unfaithful before, but I've changed. And I always thought that I got my fold three times around after what happened with Chris, but I guess I didn't; I guess there's just one more person to add to that list of "people to screw me over." I got it once more...by someone who I completely trusted with every word.

I hate this. I hate feeling this way. I said my forgiveness...but now I'm living with more than just the actions of that one night. I'm living with this thing inside me, festering itself, building my frustrations on a daily basis. I can't show ym anger b/c I understand...to a degree. But at the same time, every time I glance in those eyes... it hurts. Why? How? Will it happen again? Why did it happen in the first place? These are the questions that race through my mind on a daily basis, and consume that fire that's building inside me. I break down at different times in the day. All it takes is someone to ask me how my day is going, and I start crying. How can someone say they are in love with another person, and do that? I know...b/c I've done it before...and I also know that I continued to commit those acts well into the future after I said the "i'm sorry" and "i love you" over and over again. So...does history repeat itself? Will this happen to me again, b/c I did it to someone else before? I thought the old saying "what goes around comes around, three fold" was appropriate for most cases. Well, this time...it's been changed to "continuously" instead of "three fold." I thought she was different. I know there's more to her than that. I want so desperately to see it, to be there when it happens...but I hate this feeling I have inside.

Needless to say...I'm living by that old Scarface saying now: "Who do I trust? Me!"

It's a shame, but I think in order to get through this, I'm going to have to bring my faith into play, and hold back on being so trusting...I've been too naive for too long...times are changing, and so am I.

In a Few Weeks...

A friend passed this on to me...thought it was interesting.

(Click here to see the site...or just read below)

A year has past and now we stand on the brink of returning to a world where we are surrounded by the paradox of everything yet nothing being the same. In a few weeks we will reluctantly give our hugs and, fighting the tears, say goodbye to the people who were once just names on a sheet of paper to return to people that we hugged and fought tears to say goodbye to before we ever left. We will leave our best friends to return to our best friends. We will go back to places we came from and go back to the same things we did last summer and every summer before. We will come into town on that same familiar road, and even thought it has been months, it will seem like only yesterday.As you walk into your old bedroom, every emotion will pass through you as you reflect on the way your life has changed and the person you have become. You suddenly realize that the things that were most important to you a year ago don't seem to matter so much anymore, and the things you hold highest now, no one at home will completely understand. Who will you call first? Where are you going to work? Who will be at the party Saturday night? What has everyone been up to? Who from school will you keep in touch with? How long before you actually start missing people bargaining in without calling or knocking? Who will get breadsticks with you at three in the morning? How long until you adjust to sleeping in a room by yourself, or how long before you realize your three best friends aren't in the bed next to your room?Then you realize how much things have changed, you realize the hardest part of college is balancing the two completely different worlds you now live in, trying desperately to hold on to everything all the while trying to figure out what you have to leave behind. In the matter of one day's traveling time, we will leave our world of living next door to our best friends, walking across campus to eat, instant messenger, 8:00 classes, and perpetual procrastination to a world that will seem foreign to us despite the fact that we have lived in it for nineteen years.But it is different now... We now know the meaning of true friendship. We know whom we have kept in touch with over the past year and whom we hold dearest to our hearts. We've left our high school worlds to deal with the real world. We have had our hearts broken, we've fell in love, we've helped our best friends through the toughest times of their lives, something their even best friends at home couldn't be there for. We've stayed up all night just to be there for a friend. We've partied the night away, doing stupid stuff, but we were always there for each other afterwards. There have been times when we've felt so helpless being hours away from home when we know our families or friends needed us most, and there are times when we know we have made a difference.A few weeks from now we will leave. A few weeks from now we take down our pictures, and pack up our clothes. No more going next door to do nothing for hours on end. We will leave our friends whose random emails and phone calls will bring us to laughter and tears this summer. We will take our memories and dreams and put them away for now, saving them for our return to this world.A few weeks from now from now we will arrive. A few weeks from now from now we will unpack our bags and have dinner with our families. We will drive over to our best friend's house and do nothing for hours on end. We will return to the same friends whose random emails and phone calls have brought us laughter and tears over the past year. We will unpack old memories and dreams that have been put away for the past year.A few weeks from now we will dig deep inside to find the strength and conviction to adjust to change and still keep each other close. And somehow, in someway, we will find our place between these two worlds.In a few weeks.... are you ready?

Nice to Know...

It's nice to know there are people in the world like him...

Jess and I were working on her psychology portfolio in the comp lab around 1am the other morning, and she was craving some food from the vending machine. All I had was 2 five dollar bills, so I went around the comp lab asking if anyone had change for a five. No one did, until this one guy (who I've had many classes with, but never actually have met before) walked in the lab, and said I could have his last $3 in his billfold. I offered the $5, and he declined saying, "it's okay. don't worry about it." I, of course, gave him the $5 and took his $3, said "thank you," and told him not to worry about the other 2. To my surprise, he found me in the parking lot yesterday, and paid me back the $2 he "owed" me.

That completely made my day, knowing that there are people in the world like him. Just one of those all-around, genuine individuals...gotta love it.

Makes you say "hhmmm." 

I don't know why some people do the things they do. If only they could see the look in my eye, when those words hit my mind, when the sting resonates from one ear to another. It'd be hard to see through the tears they'd be hiding, if only they knew. My suitcase is packed. My rearview mirror is gone. I don't think they'll be seeing anymore of me in this lifetime. I might seem alright, you might ask me what highway I'm headin' down, but the only thing you'll see clearly are my tail-lights under the midnight moon.

I've got what I need. I've got all I'll ever need. She sees how far this heart can reach, and it seems to me there's no mystery about where my home should be.

"Do what you say, and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
-Dr. Seuss

Brian's Essay

17-year-old Brian Moore had only a short time to write somethingfor a class. The subject was what Heaven was like. "I wowed 'em," helater told his father, Bruce. "It's a killer. It's the bomb. It's the best thing I everwrote." It also was the last. Brian's parents had forgotten about the essay when a cousinfound it while cleaning out the teenager's locker at Teays Valley HighSchool. Brian had been dead only hours, but his parents desperatelywanted every piece of his life near them-notes from classmates andteachers, his homework. Only two months before, he had handwritten the essay aboutencountering Jesus in a file room full of cards detailing every momentof the teen's life. But it was only after Brian's death that Beth andBruce Moore realized that their son had described his view of heaven."It makes such an impact that people want to share it.. You feel likeyou are there." Mr. Moore said. Brian Moore died May 27, 1997, the day after Memorial Day. Hewas driving home from a friend's house when his car went offBulen-Pierce Road in Pickaway County and struck a utility pole. Heemerged from the wreck unharmed but stepped on a downed power line andwas electrocuted. The Moores framed a copy of Brian's essay and hung it among thefamily portraits in the living room. "I think God used him to make apoint. I think we were meant to find it and make something out of it, "Mrs. Moore said of the essay. She and her husband want to share theirson's vision of life after death. "I'm happy for Brian. I know he's inheaven. I know I'll see him.

Brian's Essay: The Room..

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself inthe room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wallcovered with small index card files. They were like the ones inlibraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order.But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seeminglyendless in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch myattention was one that read "Girls I have liked." I opened it and beganflipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that Irecognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, Iknew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalogsystem for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment,big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonderand curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I beganrandomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy andsweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that Iwould look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I havebetrayed." The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird."Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I have Given," "JokesI Have Laughed at." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness:"Things I've yelled at my brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "ThingsI Have Done in My Anger", "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at MyParents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimesfewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life Ihad lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to filleach of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each cardconfirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature. When I pulled out the file marked "TV Shows I have watched", Irealized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packedtightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of thefile. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more bythe vast time I knew that file represented. When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chillrun through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing totest its size and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. Analmost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: No onemust ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have todestroy them!" In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn'tmatter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it atone end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge asingle card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find itas strong as steel when I tried to tear it. Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot.Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pityingsigh. And then I saw it... The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With." Thehandle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulledon its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell intomy hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand. And then thetears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on myknees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of itall. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No onemust ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watchedhelplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn'tbear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself tolook at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed tointuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. Helooked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn'tanger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began tocry again. He walked over and put His arm around me.. He could have saidso many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me. Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting atone end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to signHis name over mine on each card. "No!" I shouted rushing to Him.. All I could find to say was "No,no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on thesecards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood.He gently took the card back.. He smiled a sad smile and began to signthe cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly,but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file andwalk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished." Istood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door.There were still cards to be written. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."-Phil.4:13 "For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoeverbelieves in Him shall not perish but have eternal life."

There's this lady in the book store I see every Tuesday and Thursday when I'm at work. No matter what, she's always got this amazingly beautiful smile on her face. She loves being at work in the bookstore...you can see it just by looking at her; she's told me the students are what puts the joy into her day at work, and she wouldn't miss it for the world. Even after spring break, she said she looked forward to coming back just see all of our faces. To me...that's what this campus needs more of. Like today for instance, I dropped all my napkins on the floor and had an armload of books and breakfast food, and this man reaches down to help me pick my things off the floor, and then proceeds to tell me to have a great day. I swear, smiles are contageous. Try it. Smile at some random person, and even if they don't know you, more than likely, they'll end up smiling back. I love doing that...just makes me smile even more. I probably look like I'm crazy, since I'm told crazy people smile a lot (lol), but I don't care.

Moved into the new apartment. Tamara is the best roommate ever. We just "click." Gotta love it.

This picture will have to simply suffice for my needs to be out west and away from here...I can do without Colorado for some time, but I could never do without you. I belong where ever you are...for that is where my heart will always reside. 

Had a wonderful weekend. Left on Friday, and got to Mooresville, N.C. in 5 hours flat. Have to say I didn't mind the drive b/c her company's always amazing. Spent the night meeting her sister and brother-in-law. Can I just say awesome people? Wish she would enjoy being with my family, but that's another time and place for that tale.
Saturday was so much fun...so relaxing...so nice.

• NASCAR go-carts
• shopping
• Cold Stone
• spotting mullets and harley-davidson combinations
• cooking out
• Apple to Apple (cute board game)
• movie time

Sunday was spent in a traditional...VERY traditional...Baptist church. I'm rather a tweener: like both the traditional and modern combination. But nonetheless, it was nice.

This is going to sound SO superficial. I really am not this materialistic, nor do I even know why I care. But, it hit me hard tonight...really made me realize just how the tables are turning in my family. I got home from the trip to NC. Jess left. I watched a movie with Mark, Stacy, and the parents. Never said one word to me. Didn't look at me. Told them Happy Easter, and all I got was, "watch the movie. you'll miss something." Whatever. I can deal with that. But when they were leaving, Mark and Stacy try to sneak out these bags...easter bags. I didn't get an easter basket this year from the parents. Thought I'd outgrown it or something. Hell, last year for Easter, my rents were on a cruise while I was getting surgery, and I got shit for scheduling my surgery during their cruise time...said something like "we won't be able to enjoy our cruise if we think something's wrong at home." Dude...whatever... But, back to my seemingly superficial point: where was mine? It's not the easter bag. It's not that I didn't get something and someone else did. It's the fact that they acted like they didn't want me to see it, and my parents totally pushed me aside...or it felt like it at least. I feel SO superficial right now. But realitically, things have been going down-hill with me and my parents for a while (well, me and my mom), and they act like Mark's a saint. Sibling rivalry? Not so much. I love Mark. I want him to excell in everything he touches, and he does. But when she purposely does stuff to push me aside...and in front of my face...ouch.

Beer and pain killers anyone? I'm up!

it's not the size of the dog in the fight. it's the size of the fight in the dog... 

How very frustrating life can be at times. Challenges are met with full force, then once I get past (what I think to be) the finish tape, I come across yet another. I love the sense of challenge. I love the passion of throwing everything you have into something to conquer a task, or one of life's little speed bumps. Those speed bumps always make me more aware of my "driving" as I have to slow down to fully recognize what lays around me. It makes sure I don't take life for granted, speeding through, not noticing the world surrounding me.
This challenge on the other hand...has become rather irritating. It has cost me more than I thought I'd have to put in. It has shown me that no matter what kind of control I think I have over my body, I am always mistaken. My body has control over me. My mind is simply a tool for recognizing that control, and filling my heart with so much frustration. Yes, I understand the mind over matter concept. So, with all my effort, I continually tell myself that I am going to beat this challenge facing me.
::Surgery for the 3rd time::
Can my legs take it? Can I actually learn to walk again for the 3rd time? Can I go through all those tests one more time? Can I go through the physical therapy one more time everyday? Can I be strapped to my walker for more weeks, with every step being in pain? The second surgery I got through. I was told it'd my last. That was hopeful thinking. Third time's a charm right? :/ WTF, mate?
I'm venting. I'll get through this. One more time. One more battle. One more effort to make my legs liveable in my active world. So surreal going from athlete to gimp...how ironic.
I can do this. I can beat this. I need to keep telling myself I can do it.
::lil scared. lil frightened. lil worried. but keeping the faith nonetheless::

The Donkey and the Farmer

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less

NOW --------Enough of that... The donkey later came back and bit the shit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock. MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

God determines who walks into your life. You decide who you let walk out, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.

I suppose I'm in a "get my thoughts out" mood; this doesn't happen very often. But from the looks of it today, hell might have actually froze over...what was with that 2 hour little blizzard that happened? Then, sunny skies and singing birds once again. Crazy...

Didn't get any sleep last night, nor the night before. This is becoming a trend, and I need to make sure it's not slowing forming into some ugly habit. 16 pages, and one midterm to do tomorrow ... eeww ... not my idea of a day spent to it's fullest potential. But that's what college students do: procratinate until the very last second, then bust ass to get everything done. Well, that's what this college student has been doing lately (Note to self: need to change study habits).

::sigh::

Didn't want to fall asleep last night. Had her back in my arms again. ::smiling uncontrolably:: Simply wanted to enjoy every second, every breath, every word we shared. I think the clock hit 5:30 by the time our heads finally hit the pillow for the last time. And it didn't help matters that the alarm was set for 6:50. Oh well, it was worth the lack of sleep ... what am I going to remember months from now -> me sleeping all night, or our long night in eachother's arms? Point taken.

Amber and I are going out for drinks soon. Maybe this Thursday while Jess is at her roomie's bday party? Whatever the date, it's been way too long since our last get together ... it'll be nice.

I'm so looking forward to Saturday. Planned a little something special for Jess and myself. I think she'll love it. But we'll see. I know I'm looking forward to it. After this week, I'm going to need it. :)

So, the past two weeks have basically flown by. I thought they'd carry on like slugs in a race to find saltwater, but instead, here I am with no papers done, midterms next week, and going out for a few beers with some old friends tonight...once again getting nothing done. But I wouldn't re-do these past few weeks for anything.

The best part: my family and I are getting along. For some reason, I've been able to focus on our relationship a lot more. I think it has to do with my significant other not being here. My parents have a difficult time with it, and since it's not exactly in their face, things are going well. I don't know. That's simply an assumption...but whatever it is, I'm glad we're on a new level.

Mel and I are actually getting along these days too. Did hell freeze over? Lol! We had an arts and crafts night on Saturday, and made 5 new greek shirts. Gotta love my new batman and cammo shirts! Secretly, it was simply wonderful spending time with a person I had such a falling out with. I never fancy the notion of ending friendships, or throwing the past away, and it was a great step towards a better friendship for the future.

Chris on the other hand. Well, I don't think we'll ever rebound. Spending nearly 3 years of my life with someone...it's difficult to throw it away and say, "okay lets be friends and put the past behind us." Hakuna Matata doesn't work so well in this situation, no matter how much I love the Lion King. No matter what I do or say, he'll never have that full trust in us again. I can't change one person's emotions no matter how influential I try to be. Bottom line. I don't know how to put it, but one mistake from the past can't possibly be the reason for his lopsided emotions these days (from Steph to Me, then Steph to me). I don't know. I'm all about having things be on a happy medium... his rollercoaster of emotions is not going to blend well with my new-found happiness. But we'll see if it can't work out. I'm trying...that's as much as I can do.

On a great note, Jess comes home tomorrow. I got a phone call from her today while Mom and I were out at lunch. Yes, Mom and I actually went out to lunch together...it was about time we did...been too long. Anyways, It's funny, but I've only had 2 phone calls from her the entire time she's been in Germany, but personally, it's been enough for me. Not that I didn't want to hear from her...I'm simply saying that that one phone call allowed me to know she was thinking about me, and that was enough for me. I didn't need a 2 hour phone convo or an email every night...all I needed was that three minute phone convo once a week to let me know she was thinking about me. I'm excited to see her, hear her stories, see the pictures, give her that big hug, and know that I can actually see her when I want to. It's been a good 2 weeks, but it'll be nice to have her back again. We've never not talked for more than a day since we first met, so this has definitely been a challenge ... a good one, but a challenge at that.

There's a lot to talk about to keep everyone updated. But my nutshell summary is going to have to do for now. I need a beer, some good company, and a pool table to end this night... :)

My weekend home...

Wow. Life is so busy these days. But this weekend has allowed me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's been so long since my parents and I have gotten along. This weekend, however, was a different story. Mom and I hugged, kissed each other, said "I love you." Dad and I went for a run where I learned all the secrets of his childhood that he used to tell me during our runs in high school. And gave me that hug at the end of the run saying "good work out kiddo." I felt like I was back in the good old days. Whatever happened to my family and me these past few year, I can't recall. But I do know what really matters, and I refuse to push my family in the shadows like I felt they have been over the few years. I missed those hugs, those "I love you's," and those little notes I used to find in my room saying how much I meant to them. I found a note this weekend, on my computer. It's the first weekend I have spent home in a long time. I was with them the entire weekend. Didn't want to be anywhere else. We watched movies, went to dinner, told stories, went for walks/runs, read the Sunday newspaper together, and simply enjoyed eachother's company.

I've been looking for a hand to hold for so long. I've been looking for a replacement for the lost time I had with my family. I've been looking in the wrong places all along. It was at home. Things are never perfect, but I think my parents and I are finally out of the shadows we've been in for so long.

Jess wasn't here this weekend, nor will she next weekend. I think that played a large role. I needed time to be with my parents. I needed time to be with my family. I don't think she really likes being around my house, my family, my parents...why would she when she's only seen the worst my family has to show? No one in their right mind would love to be around so much chaos, so much yelling, so much senselessness. I wish she could see the good that's buried within my family; there's so much of it. But we have all been through so much these past few years. There's no way to bury the pain and the burdens we have been through in such a short amount of time. I think we're all finally "healing" ... finally getting to the point where we were so many years ago.

My Mom is going to church with me next Sunday. I'm so excited. My parents have never really been the "church people," nor the type to be Godly. However, I've often thought all we needed was a little faith to remind us of how the small things really don't matter sometimes. Sometimes they should be left in their original state: small. I think faith will have a lot to do with my family's growth, and our "uniting" to where we used to be. This weekend was where I want us to be...this weekend was everything my family has always been to me...this weekend was the best weekend I've had in years.

I finally feel a peace in my soul that's been gone for far too long...

When you get caught in the rain with no where to run
When you're distraught and in pain without anyone
when you keep crying out to be saved
but nobody comes
And you feel so far away
That you just can't find your way home
You can get there alone
It's okay, what you say is

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And everytime I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
and I make it through the rain

And if you keep falling down don't you dare give in
You will arise safe and sound, so keep pressing on steadfastly
And you'll find what you need to prevail
What you say is

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And everytime I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day and I'll make it through the rain
And when the rain blows,
as shadows grow close don't be afraid
There's nothing you can't face
And should they tell you you'll never pull through
Don't hesitate, stand tall and say

I can make it through the rain
I can stand up once again on my own
And I know that I'm strong enough to mend
And everytime I feel afraid
I hold tighter to my faith
And I live one more day
and I make it through the rain

I can make it through the rain
And stand up once again
And I live one more day
And I can make it through the rain
Ohh, You're gonna make it through the ... rain

Only Hope - Switchfoot

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write
over and over again
I'm awake and in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over and
over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope

Sing to me of the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have
for me over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope

I give you my destiny
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
And pray to be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now You're my only hope